Sample Emails

Vitamin Sales

To: dianamc@aol.com
From: William Wyndell
Subject: Vitamin Sales

Hello Diana,

I am inquiring about the sales position you are seeking to fill. But, before I can start, I must know what it is I am going to be selling.

I can assure you that you won’t have another worker like me…I’m the best. I know we are in a bear market, but these jerks need to buy, buy, buy. Am I right or am I right?

I also understand you will only employ me on a part-time basis. That is perfect because if you hired me full-time, I probably wouldn’t work as hard and would slack off for half of the time.

So in conclusion, I will take the job. All I need from you now is the starting date, pay, benefits, and what the hell it is I am to sell. Then you can leave the rest to me. Am I right or am I right?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards, William Wyndell

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

My phone number is 555-2789. Will you call me so we can meet this week? I would love to tell you all about the business. The product is vitamins, and the company pays commissions each month as you help build the business. I assume you go to UT?

You will be hired by Frank Lima Marketing. I am a recruiter for them, and I am looking for people who will work the business. I will train you on how to work the business. This company works like a membership in which you sponsor 3 people to become members and take the vitamins each month. They in turn also help to sponsor three more people to help build the business, and so on.

Reply: William Wyndell…

Dear new job personnel:

No, I don’t go to UT. I have already received my degree from Our Lady of the Brown Water in Harlingen, Texas.

Now look…I told you in my first e-mail that I will take the job. What I don’t understand is all this vitamin sales lingo. What is a “puppy dog” sale? Will I be selling animals, too? Don’t I need some sort of animal permit to do that?

So…do you want me to sell those vitamins (and dogs) or what? I am ready to start. Won’t you answer my questions as best you can so I can get the show on the road.

Thanks so much. William Wyndell

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

I would like to meet with you Wednesday late afternoon or early evening so I can tell you more about the business. If you want to add success and prosperity to your life, then this is the business for you. I have to meet with you first to get you started. I have to find out whether you are willing to buy the vitamins for yourself before you sell them. If you aren’t willing to buy the vitamins, you won’t be able to sell them.

I joined the program because I want success and prosperity in my life and I am willing to tell others like you about the vitamin program so the business will grow. I won’t be home today, but you can call me Wednesday at my house or I will be glad to call you if you give me your phone number.

Diana

P.S. There are no puppies, by the way. “Puppy dog” marketing is a concept I will explain to you when we meet.

Reply: William Wyndell…

Hello again Diana.

I would like to meet with you, too. I would definitely buy the vitamins for myself, if nothing else so I can have nice neon-colored piss. But that is just a bonus, and beside the point.

It will be no problem getting people to work under me to sell these stupid vitamins to other people. I am a sales guy…you got it, I’ll sell it. Give me a freakin’ box of dirt and I’ll sell it to somebody.

So in conclusion, it looks like I am a “GO”. I got the people, soon I’ll have those god-damned vitamins, and I got the sales drive needed to succeed in this business. Tell me where to meet you and when, and I’ll be there.

Hurry back. One more thing…should I call you “boss” now?

Regards, William

Reply: dianamc@aol.com….

Is there a way I can call you or you can call me at 555-2789? I like your motivation, which is a great contributor to success in this business. I can meet you Thursday evening at Kirby Lane Café on S. Lamar around 7 P.M. if you like.

Diana

Reply: William Wyndell…

Hey, what’s up there boss? How the hell are ya? No, you cannot call me. You can never call me…are we clear? I think I can meet you at Kirby Lane Café…I know where it is. I got totally shit-faced there one night and beat up my waiter. Then I punched a waitress in the face that tried to break it up. What time do you want to meet?

Hurry back, William

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

I don’t like the way you are writing to me in this e-mail and I don’t believe that you are professional enough for a business such as this. I won’t be at Kirby Lane Café tomorrow night. Please don’t write me any more e-mails, and forget that I asked you for your phone number… I wouldn’t want to call you anyway. You have an obnoxious attitude, and I don’t care to meet you.

Diana

Reply: William Wyndell…

So what are you saying? You don’t want to be my “boss” anymore?

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

I won’t be your boss, and I won’t “sponsor” you into the vitamin business. You aren’t professional enough for this business.

Diana

Reply: William Wyndell…

Not professional enough? What are you talking about? You haven’t even seen me put my sales skills to use. You could ask my old boss. The only reason I am not there now is because he and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on certain issues and we got into a fistfight. Then he was saying something like “you are the best salesman I have ever had, but you are a jerk”, or something like that…I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy kicking his ass. Point is, I’ll sell loads of those stupid vitamins. What do you say, boss?

William

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

The job isn’t about selling vitamins, but creating a down line of people who will buy the vitamins each month and tell their friends about it. I don’t like you calling the vitamins “stupid”. Do you take vitamins? Are you employed right now? You need to invest $120 of your own money to start in the business. If you don’t have $120 to get started, then this isn’t the business for you.

Diana

Reply: William Wyndell…

Hey there boss. Like I said, no problem. Of course I have $120 to get started. And yes, I do work, and yes, I do eat Flintstone vitamins (simply for the delicious taste).

It looks like we are back in business and I am again working for you. So, do I need to send you the $120 and you’ll send me those god-damned vitamins or how do I get started? Hurry up and get back with me.

Reply: dianamc@aol.com…

I don’t like your language, plus you refuse to call me and meet with me. I’m pasting my application to this e-mail. You can paste it to your word program and send it in listing me as your sponsor. You can send a $120 money order. The address is on the application.

You will need to sponsor one person within 5 weeks after you send in your application. Your commissions are paid from creating a down line of 243 people from your first 3 people, and you receive commissions on sales each month.

But listen…I don’t really think you are serious or you would at least want to call me. I know you are just being an “ass”.

Diana

Reply: William Wyndell…

Hey there. Top of the morning to ya, stupid. Did you have a good 4th of July weekend? Now look here…I made it clear a while ago that you CANNOT call me. You can NEVER call me…NEVER. I feel like I am repeating myself; I said I am still interested in selling those stupid vitamins, didn’t I? I am going to get a money order and send it in soon. I will say that I was hand-picked by YOU to sell. I assume I can throw your name around over there if I need to get shit taken care of?

Alrighty then, boss, I’m looking forward to my new career selling this crap.

William

Reply: dianamc@aol.com . . .

Are you going to send in the application form I sent you? I don’t really want to call you, as you are the “rudest” person I have ever e-mailed, and I “hate” rude people!!! I’ll be surprised if you can sponsor even 3 people in this program with your negative attitude.

Reply: William Wyndell . . .

Hey there, boss. Sorry for the delay. I was away for the weekend. Went down to Boystown, Mexico to watch the “donkey show” and get shit-canned with a few of my beer buddies.

Now look…calling me names is no way to treat your employee. And RUDE? What the hell are you talking about? I have never said one rude thing to you. You don’t know me well enough to call me that.

I am sending the money order this week. And yes, I understand the “sponsorship” deal…I get 3 people, they get 3 people, and so on. It is like that hair shampoo commercial with that hot-ass chick and she says “and they tell 2 friends, and so on, and so on”. Am I right or am I right? What else do I need to know?

Hurry back. William

Reply: dianamc@aol.com . . .

I am not your boss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy the story? There's more to be found in
E-mails from Hell, Vol. 1. Order your copy today!

Disclaimer: All conversations in “E-mails From Hell, Volume 1: The Wrath of William Wyndell” are real. However, all names, addresses, phone numbers, and e-mail addresses have been changed to protect people’s privacy rights. Any similarities are completely coincidental. The name ‘William Wyndell’ is fictitious and is the portrayed character. Any name similarities are completely coincidental.

Some conversations have been edited for readability.

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